*I Don't Want to Emo* 5.30pm

i have been repressing this feeling for so long. but it has all come rushing back now that i have nth to do. why did i have a last min OFF today? :(

becuz im so free today, i was polishing up my blog. n i went to each n everyone's blog link n checked if they r still in use. i read n managed to catch up with some of my fren's life.

i felt so super ashamed n guilty. esp aft reading joan's last entry. i realli dunno wat to say. i dun wish to find excuses. cuz i choose the way i want to live. not anyone else. i've nvr realise my negligence did caused my fren so much frustration n disappointment. so super ashamed. im realli sorry

isit realli becuz of my irregular timing job? sure it has caused alot of inconvenience. did i do anything to make sure i make up for it?

i cldnt keep count of the events that i had missed out on for these past few months. all these events were so impt to my frens. issit realli true that if i want to, i can always find time for them?

nw tt i have time to release those emotions, i realli cannot deny the sadness n disappointment to those outings tt i have not been there.

i tot i was damn sensitive, thus i always try to suppress that sadness when im told of an event which i wasnt being ask to join. til i can easily get over the fact tt i wasnt being invited in just 1 min. but now i want to be sensitive again. so that i will feel sad n do smth about it.

i just keep blabbing til i dunno wat im talking about anymore.

i just miss the past so much i want to die.

why do growing up n moving on have to be so hard?

i have so much to say. but i dunno hw to say.

i did not go again today. though i finally told my parents. issit tt im just plain lazy? or i just dont want to know. but i know it's probably nth. it cant be anything. i cant lose the only reason to be with myself. i really cant....... :(